THE MINISTERIAL STATEMENT
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This was the day. the House was pregnant, with anticipation and tension. A heavy silence reigned.
THE air was thick and palpable with unease. If a mosquito had issued a quiet fart, everyone would have heard it.
The Speaker: In accordance with today’s Order Paper, and as demanded by this House, the Minister of Health will issue a ministerial statement on select senior members of the government. The Minister!
Minister of Health: Thank you, Mr. Speaker! It is indeed a memorable honor, one that I most cherish, to be afforded this opportunity to address this august House.
From the outset, let me state that the origin of this statement is a question one of the members raised about why there was apparent failure by the government to deliver in accordance with its promises, and in accordance with the people’s expectations. Is it to do with the health of our senior government officials? This was the question.
Mr Speaker, I belong to this same government. But inspired by patriotism and the spirit of nationalism, as they say, I will lay all the cards on the table. I will be as transparent and truthful as the seriousness of this most concerning national conundrum dictates.
Let me start with law enforcement or the lack of it, Mr Speaker.
Mr Speaker, the Inspector General of Police is an indisposed man. He has dementia, an organic brain disease associated with failure to adequately exercise one’s mental faculties in one’s early life.
Mr Speaker, it follows that this cognitive challenge on his part has impacted negatively on the performance of his office. This, Mr Speaker, explains why suspects are now been persecuted before prosecution. Suspects either are not taken to court on time as dictated by our national constitution or they are forgotten altogether.
Mr Speaker, when one has dementia, amnesia is one of its key signs. Forgetfulness. This, as many of you have observed, is the reason the IG sticks to a written speech when making any statement.
The lack of rule of law is a consequence of this dementia, Mr Speaker . The IG is suffering from repeated bouts of amnesia.
A loud collective murmur, betraying gross discomfort, coursed through the House. Many fidgeted.
The Speaker: Yes, honourable member.
Member: Mr Speaker, I seek a serious ruling on this matter. Is the Minister of Health in order to be divulging, in detail, the afflictions of citizens? Is this not against the ethics of medical practice?
The Speaker: Order! Order in the House! The honourable member might wish to note that it is also unethical, and against medical practice to have sick, not-fit-for-purpose individuals occupying these sensitive and important government positions. And without truth, detail and transparency, our government will fail. Proceed, minister. Thou shall not use confidentiality to hide mediocrity.
The Minister of Health: Mr Speaker, you might have noticed that the performance of the leader of the opposition has plummeted in recent times. His taciturn attitude of late has caused the quality of debate in this House to depreciate.
If you carefully observe him right now, you will see that he is sitting as if he has a painful anal condition.
As our Hansard will show, the leader of the opposition is a horny man. Though there is nothing wrong with being horny, Mr Speaker, and as a ministry, we encourage citizens to have healthy sexual appetites, there is everything wrong with being reckless.
It isn’t that he has a boil on his ass, Mr Speaker. The leader of the opposition has recurring herpes genitalia, a most painful condition of the private parts. It is a sexually transmitted infection.
Mr Speaker, I must hasten to thank you personally and this House in general for quickly approving my ministry’s estimates of expenditure, which development will enable us to purchase sexual health commodities such as condoms. These commodities will surely save many members of this House with unhinged libido. We have observed that the prevalence rate of sexually transmitted infections amongst members of this House is high, Mr Speaker.
The high traffic, Mr Speaker, of college girls and commercial sex workers at the Parliament Lodge is also partly to blame. You might wish to look into that, Mr Speaker. But perhaps, on a jocular note, because of the high cost of living, and seeking solace in novel ways, members of this House have now created an informal social cash transfer mechanism which has now exposed them to these venereal diseases. Some sort of cash-for-sex illicit scheme which requires the immediate attention of one of your Committees, Mr Speaker.
Now the House understands the origins of silence and lack of or diminished participation of the leader of the opposition in House matters. Mr Speaker, feel for the man, this observed poor performance over time is because the leader of the opposition is chronically nursing a sore coital rod.
The House burst into laughter. The laughter was so infectious that the leader of the opposition himself laughed with everyone else.
The Speaker: Minister, you may continue.
The Minister of Health: Let me now turn to the Chief Justice.
Mr Speaker, citizens are stunned. They have observed strange behaviour from their Judiciary, behaviour at variance with their national constitution, behaviour not in keeping with their expectations.
Many citizens are now saying that the Judiciary has become an incubator and producer of injustice. Rulings from this important arm of government have lost their salt and citizens have also lost confidence in this fixture of theirs.
I want to report, Mr Speaker, that my ministry put together a team of the most qualified doctors. I am glad to report to this august House that their work was meticulous and methodical, and that after careful and thorough examination and investigation of the problem, the diagnosis has been found.
The problem, Mr Speaker, is the Chief Justice. That the Chief Justice has now become the chief of injustice is because he is suffering from an Acute Confusional State.
The signs of this disease are behavioral in nature and include erratic conduct, disorientation, poor judgement and decision-making, lack of insight and irrationality.
All these symptoms have been seen in the Judiciary, Mr Speaker.
In a nutshell, the main feature of this disease is confusion.
Mr Speaker, though the exact origins of this most debilitating health condition remain under probe, the team of doctors has summarily concluded that it has been induced by interference from the Executive.
They say that massive undue pressure exerted on the Chief Justice has caused his cerebral collapse.
Further, a high illicit flow of alcohol from the Executive to the Judiciary has corrupted many members of staff of this public institution. For example, it has been observed, Mr Speaker, that because of this corruption, because of over-consumption of this largesse from the Executive, the kidneys of the Chief Justice are now failing and, from time to time, the level of urea in his blood sporadically rises too high causing these bouts of confusion.
Enigmatically, but encouragingly, the team of doctors stated that this is a curable disorder.
Mr Speaker, the team of doctors indicated that its cure is with the people, the citizens. We must turn to them for the therapeutic way forward.
Everyone quietly stared at everyone else, bemused.
The Speaker: Yes, Minister.
The Minister of Health: Now the Executive. Mr Speaker, one of our most concerning findings is that the head of the Executive arm of our government, the president, has AIDS.
Bedlam broke out in the House. There was noise everywhere. Stop him! Some shouted. Where is he going? Continue iwe, others urged! You cannot talk about the president like that, he has immunity. Some angrily warned. Na ena muntufye! Still, others shouted!
The Speaker: Let me remind you, Minister, that you are now treading on dangerous territory. This is very, very sensitive. Watch your words carefully. Nonetheless, I will allow you to continue. You have immunity in this House. Order!
The Minister of Health: Mr Speaker, the economy of this country is not well. It is in the most critical of conditions. It is not recovering and will not recover. This is because the president has AIDS.
People are experiencing excruciating economic pain. People suffering, Mr Speaker. And the condition of their president is terminal. There is no cure.
Acquired Ideas Deficiency Syndrome. This is what the national president has.
He can’t think anymore. He has run out of ideas.
An advanced brain scan is recommended. It must be noted though that this investigative procedure will only confirm the diagnosis. Therapy, Mr Speaker, can only be palliative.
The president needs urgent thought uploads, a form of treatment which presently is still under research and is only available in experimental form. It is also too expensive, a cost which at present the national treasury cannot afford.
Perhaps declaration of a national disaster might help.
The sad part about this, Mr Speaker, is that the only cognitive magnetic resonance imaging machine or reader in the country has broken down.
We might need to evacuate him abroad for lengthy psycho-medical attention.
Unfortunately, the only available machine abroad is domiciled in a neighbouring hostile attention. The Minister of Alien Affairs has already been informed.
In the meantime, in his absence, you Mr Speaker, will have to act in his place.
But there is a problem, Mr Speaker. We might end up with a constitutional crisis.
This now brings me to you, Mr Speaker. In conclusion, I was coming to the Legislature.
I was going to end with you, sir. Mr Speaker. I was going to inform the nation about the disease which you have, and which disease disqualifies you from acting as our nation’s president, a most debilitating disease which renders you incapable of occupying the highest office of our land, and…
The Speaker [Interjecting]: Enough, Minister. Enough. Please sit down.
I now have to make a ruling. This ministerial statement cannot continue. It has to end here.
It is clear to me that your speech, Minister, now threatens national security. No copies of the statement will be circulated either to members of this House or the Press.
Minister, you will finish the statement in my chambers.
Tea, coffee or whiskey will be given to you should you need it. This session now stands adjourned.
For his safety, parliament police quickly surrounded the Minister of Health and whisked him away.
His heart racing, the Speaker was sweating profusely, a bout of dizziness descending upon him. His BP had risen.
Members of the House were in different states of emotional excitement. Some were extremely sad, others were uncomfortable and very angry. All sorts of invectives were uttered. One or two even wanted to break the nose of the Minister of Health. Others still were afflicted with uncontrollable bouts of laughter.
Nonetheless, all members of the House were agreed that the country needed change.
The Minister of Health never returned to the House. He disappeared for ever.
Though his statement was in the nation’s interest, what cost him was his honesty.
A speaker of truth has no friends, so goes an African proverb.
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